Communication is extremely difficult. It’s situational; people, moods, and setting. And it requires two distinct skills to interleave seamlessly: listening and speaking.

However, communication is extremely powerful. It’s the ability take thoughts from one brain and embed them in another. Really magical when you think about it!

Listening

Humans are naturally bad at listening. What our brain is doing when we typically think we’re listening is we accept bits and pieces of what is being said and we relate it to other things in our bran, then promptly go off on tangents on our thing it reminds us of. This is a kind of scattered brainstorm way of listening that can work.

But really hearing another person requires some discipline to avoid those tangents in favor of becoming an investigator into what the person is really trying to say. For this we need to gather what is said, summarize it, and probe the person about your summary and interpretation to test any areas that you may have gotten wrong.

There is typically quite a lot of meaning behind the thing someone is saying. This requires even more investigation work. Don’t forget this part in your summary and validate you got it right, often it’s a feeling tone.

Speaking

When you’re trying to convey something to someone else it can help to understand where they are coming from. A great example is when I’m conducting a technical interview. The first bit of conversation I have about their history and listening to how they talk about a project helps be get an idea of their level. This way I’m not asking something way above their head or something too silly. Either of these can make the candidate feel they are not right for the job.

When speaking with my partner I try to get a feel for what mood I’m speaking to. When they are scattered and still thinking about something stressful at work, there are quite a few things I could say that would be a big waste of time.