Shifting Defaults

Our default expectations shift quickly and absolutely in the direction of positive experience, and very slowly (if ever) towards the negative. By being aware of these shifts and moderating our expectation to be more realistic using higher level reasoning, we can reduce the suffering that comes from a mismatch between expectation and reality.

Positive example, dog training

I’m proud to have trained two dogs to do several tricks. The training process has many great lessons I won’t go into here. But what I’ve found interesting is how quickly a routine that involves treats gets integrated into their daily expectations. By default, after my son is off to school, the dogs are waiting at the top of the stairs excited to do some training. This was not a slow process, it happened in a matter of a day or two.

Negative example, thumb laceration

I recently cut my thumb on hair clippers. It was a large cut but not deep, enough that I had to keep it bandaged and dry for a little over a week. I never really accepted in my heart the reality that I had this constant bother. I couldn’t do the things I normally wanted to do. However, the day after I found it good enough to take the bandage off and use normally, I was back. I had no expectation that I’d have to keep it dry and limit use the next day.

Related thoughts

The hedonistic treadmill demonstrates this well. We adjust our defaults to make the extraordinary mundane. We take the best situations for granted and squander the opportunities for gratitude that negative experience brings. The blatant realization that we’ve been enjoying something wonderful and never realized it.

There is a poem I believe by Henry Shukman about walking on ice. Unfortunately I can’t find reference to it but the idea is that each of us in life are walking across a frozen lake. Nobody wants to break through and plunge down into the depths of human experience. But those who don’t are devoid of life and deserve our utmost pity. These are the poor souls born with a silver spoon who have insulated themselves against any harsh conditions in life. They pay through the nose for “authentic” experience but they know it’s not real.

People who have been through traumatic experience overwhelmingly would say they would not do it again but they wouldn’t change their past in any way. These are the experiences that shape us and give us depth and resilience.

On the Waking Up app Sam Harris has a great short talk called “Problem Solving” where he recounts a day feeling particularly grumpy against the world. It’s not that the gripes are uncalled for or unjustified. But his friend asks the key question, “did you really wake up this morning thinking this would be a perfect day with no trouble at all?” Why would we make that our default expectation? This is a call for suffering.

Summing things up

If your car only makes right turns, you will only go in circles, progress happens when you can turn both ways. This is a blessing, not a curse. The misery we feel from left turns comes from the expectation that life should be all right turns. By level setting our expectations, approaching the small mundane things with gratitude and a sense of awe, and “yes and”-ing (embracing) what experience presents a mismatch, we can be both full of life and joyful in the living.